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The Internet's secret shame

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Last news: November 21, 2008 15:44:06

I just hope I can get one in time for Christmas.

Yes, there are some nice uses of bright LED’s like flashflights and these cool frisbees.  But I am about sick of using all my duct tape to cover up bright ass LED’s.  For some reason my TV needs to have a bright blue LED lighting up my living room when I turn it off.  WHY?  It’s a great TV, so not a big deal, I’ll just put some duct tape over it if it bothers me (the black duct tape is better so it doesn’t look all ghetto).

My computer has a bright ass blue LED on top, kind of pisses me off at night, good thing I don’t have to stare straight at it.  Oh wait, that’s what the one on my monitor is for.  Some genious knew I’d want 1/3 of an LED flashflight shining in my face while I sit at my computer.

None of these bothered me that much until I signed up for the new AT&T Uverse service.  The box that sits under my TV has, of course, tons of bright LED’s.  Red LED’s are fine, you’ll notice that your alarm clock has red LED’s and they don’t light up the room and they aren’t overly bright.   But this box has all kinds of shit all over it.  WHY?  Ridiculous.  I’m trying to sleep in my bedroom not go to a laser show.

Am I just OCD or does this really piss other people off too?

So I happened to drive by my local voting place and noticed early voting was underway; so I pulled in to cast my vote.   I didn’t know I was going to be solicited by politicians in the parking lot.  There was only 2 there, but it was so lame.  They just go up to people like me and say “please vote for me, I’m trying to get elected”.  OK, that’s cool…. At least one guy handed me a lame flyer to explain who he is; he was running for senate.  Then there was a lady trying to get re-elected as justice of the peace.  If you need to go through the effort of begging random people minutes before they vote to get re-elected, doesn’t that mean people think you’re not doing such an awesome job?

I know they are just trying to get a quick dropping of their own name before people go into the booth, and maybe that helps, I haven’t looked into the stats on that.  I get the feeling if I was to actually talk to them for a while about some issues I actually care about, they would try to shoo me away as they’d be doing less name dropping.  Now I regret not talking to them.  I never think to do spontaneous funny things till later.

Mostly it would be funny to hear their answers.  I live in Texas and things are pretty “republican” here, I’m not so much so.  I really wanted to ask them about stuff like why don’t I have the option (freedom) of not living under the authority of a for profit corporation disguised as an HOA.  In my area it was nearly impossible to find a place without an HOA.  For $800 a year I better be getting some sucky sucky with that.  But I’m not, just a letter if my dog barks too loud; it must be expensive to send letters.

BY THE WAY……………….    You may have noticed I’m not “Monkee”, I took over the site and while Monkee has lots of articles about Obama being an asshat and what not, I’m quite the opposite.  I voted for Obama, so HAHAHAHAHHA.

The original Far Cry was great and a very clean looking game.  When they came out with Crysis I was excited like everyone else and got it when it came out, along with a new video card (and power supply to support the new video card).  Man, was I ever disappointed, not only did I waste $50 on a game, but I got suckered into buying a new video card and power supply just so I could play it in all it’s glory.

Well the new game engine they used for Crysis was shit.  It was full of crap that just made the game run slow and look bad.  Wow, look at all these new graphic features that look like shit.  The original Far Cry looked much cleaner.  I’m hoping they’ve fixed all this stuff for Far Cry 2, but I’m not getting my hopes up.  I just hope it runs as nice as the Half-Life 2 engine, is that too much to ask?

Just thought I’d share with you something I’ve managed to do myself in the past.  It won’t make you rich, but it’s an easy enough way to make free money.   I’m sure there are more inventive ways to do things like this, but this is what I did…..

All those credit card offers you get in the mail, go through them, some are useful.   I would find a card that offered 0% for a year or 6 months or whatever.  Then you want to make sure there are no hidden fees, like a 3% balance transfer charge or whatever.  You don’t have to go through much fine print to see this, the laws now make it very up front.  Most card offers will give you a “check” you can use to pay a balance or what they hope for is you’ll blow it all on something and have trouble paying them back.   Of course that’s not what I’d do :)  I’d write a check to myself and put it in my bank account.  Now, depending on what I was approved for (in my case it was 30k i think) you’ve got a nice loan for free.  Here’s the money making part….

I’d open a money market account.  Money market accounts are very safe short term investments that you can more or less take your money in and out of as quick as a savings account.   If you’re not familiar, just think of it as a high paying savings account at your bank.  I used “ING”.  I highly recommend them as they have an easy to use website and one of the highest paying money market accounts out there.   Anyway…  put the credit card “loan” in there, but one important thing to remember… DON”T FORGET ABOUT IT.  You’ll want to remember when your year of 0% interest is up, because when it is the credit card company is going to charge you an assload of interest.

Here’s how it all came together for me….  I remembered not to cross the 0% period and my 30k “loan” at 0% interest was in conservative investment earning 3%-4% and earned me about $1,000. What did I have to do to make this money?   Screen though some credit card applications, apply for a card and mark my calendar.  That’s pretty much it.   I would imagine you could make a decent amount of money doing this if you could be organized enough to maintain several credit card accounts at once.  I think the only limit would be the amount of money the credit card companies will approve you for, which at some point may not be much, but I don’t know, I haven’t tried it.

Just though I’d pass that along.

If there’s such thing as a conservative porn ad….  I’ve decided to include a small porn ad to the site (top right on the sidebar in case you didn’t notice).  I’d like to get some feedback.  Is it too offensive?  Does it make you want to steer away from the site at work, or at home?   Just trying to make a little advertising cash and google adwords isn’t cutting it, so I’m advertising for a quality porn site.  I may go for a different picture or text, but you get the idea.   I want the site to still be safe for work.

There’s something about a dummy driving a car that puts a smile on my face.

‘Wild’ Bill Jenkins, Washington D.C.

In light of the recent disastrous effects of the mortgage crisis on Wall Street, government economists are reconsidering how ‘Great’ the Great Depression really was.

Dr. Percy Stanwich of the government sponsored think tank, Center for Economic and Historic Policy, said that there is a possibility that the current economic downturn may eclipse the Great Depression. “If this current situation grows worse we are going to have to take a hard look at renaming the Great Depression” said Dr. Stanwich. “The best name that my colleagues and I have come up with so far is ‘The Pretty Good Depression’.” Dr. Stanwich went on to say” Of course we don’t mean ‘good’ in terms of assigning a positive value but hey, if this current situation continues heading south then ‘The Great Depression’ can’t really be termed ‘Great’ now can it”.

After speaking with other members of the Center for Economic and Historic Policy I learned that current economic indicators may be very dire when extrapolated out over the next few years. They estimate the possibility that the U.S. economy could shrink by as much as 15% on a sustained basis causing a depression which would, in their terms, be ‘Great’. “We would like to reclaim the term ‘Great’ in the event that the current downturn surpasses the 1929 to 1939 period known as the Great Depression” stated PhD Evan Gottersmith, who was former head of the economics department at Dartmouth University. “This may necessitate renaming that period as ‘The Pretty Good Depression” commented Dr. Gottersmith. “We have also entertained the names ‘The Excellent Depression’, ‘The Great Depression number 1’’, as well as ‘The Big Bad Depression’. Dr. Gottersmith continued “we settled however on the ‘Pretty Good Depression’ because as big a deal as it was, we would really like to reserve that type of nomenclature for something special”.

The members of the think tank are planning to suggest to the current congress and administration that history books be changed by next Tuesday.

YouTube - The Dark Knight- Joker Interrogation Scene Spoof.

Why Monkee, you are such a hater!

Damn straight baby.

Let me break it down for you.

I believe Canada is the Aqua Man in the justice league of North America. The Duplo block in a world full of Lego’s.

Worthless!

You may ask why I say this, consider the following.

1. Half of them speak French! That alone is enough to hate the whole of the country.

2. They have added nothing to world culture, except for the wearing of black socks and sandals.

3. They have a political system just this side of communism.

4. During the Viet Nam war they opened their arms to our hippies and draft dodgers.

5. I have heard that they eat puppies and fart on our flag.

When I lived in Boise ,a few years ago, I got wind that they were planning a week long party celebrating the 25th anniversary of the draft dodger and the influx of dirty hippies into their country. Then I saw a report on the mass exodus of some 8000 middle-aged hippies that wanted to relive the time that they sat in Canada, smoked pot and talked about “The Man” whilst their neighbors were in south  east Asia fighting.

I could not let this lie, not when I was a scant few hundred miles from this twisted fiesta. I made a few phone calls and hit the road.

I sat, just few hundred miles north of the Canadian border, in my rented ice cream truck. I saw my comrades huddled of in the distance awaiting the signal. I waited until the hippies were nice and stoned, and in the middle of there dirt bag bacchanalia.

The fireworks started.

Literally!

I cranked the speakers on the ice cream truck and played a few tracks from “Apocalypse Now” intermingled with a little “Full Metal Jacket” as I shot fireworks at them. As this was going on the local theater troop that I had hired ran through the crowd wearing black pajamas and sampan hats yelling “di di mau”.

This had the desired effect and dare I say it must been the “Brown noise” to all hippies because all of the strawberry kush and petrulli oil in the world couldn’t cover the smell of 8000 thousand dirty hippies crapping their pants in unison.

Looking back I feel some remorse for what I did. I felt a twinge of guilt on my drive back to Boise. The guilt subsided as the thought of warmer temperatures, normal footwear and how great the USA is wafted into my head.

Every now and then I hear the Canadian national anthem and the thought of soiled underwear and  petrulli oil make me smile.

Rock on you dirty hippy bastards.

Dear William,

1001 1110 11010 111010 0010000 1101100

1101011110101101101 101100 never more

10101 your eyes 1101011 0100011 001110

100011 01 01 011 000011 011 you are not a dork

110 01 1010110 10 10001 you are manly man 11

110100 01 01001 01111 01 01 001 10 1 11

11100011010 10001 00101 free software

001011 01 01 1010 010 01 00 free laptop

0011010 01101 010 101 01 00 call me

I sent the same poem to Steve Jobs but just replaced most of the words with free ipod.

I was talking with a friend the other day about how rude and angry some people can be. I told him that I had worked in customer service for a few years and had my life threatened and asked to step outside more than a few times. My response was usually the same, very polite and then I’d inform them I can’t meet them outside as I was still at work but I get off at 6. That usually worked, usually.

One guy walked in, started yelling as he threw his phone at me. Bla bla my phone don’t work. Bla bla you sold me a piece of crap. I let him go on for 20 minutes then picked up the phone and powered it on. I told him he had to hold the power button on for 2 seconds not just jab at it then cuss allot. He seemed embarrassed and complained how his service was so bad just to justify his tirade. He asked to use the restroom and I showed him the way then went back out to the floor as we were busy that day.

About 15 minutes later I heard my manager yell. I ran to the hullabaloo and saw him peering into the bathroom. Did someone slip and fall ? Why wasn’t he helping? I looked in the bathroom to see a huge steaming turd in the middle of floor. What maniac would do this? Did someone miss the potty by 5 feet? No, this was a revenge turd.

I was angry, disgusted and dare I say impressed. This guy was so mad that he summoned this demon from the netherworld and crouched in the middle of the room to let loose. He then walked out of the front door as if nothing happened. I cant imagine being so mad that I would just make #2 on the floor. I think the American Psychological Association has named this illness, Anger Pooping.

Anyways I hope that guy feels better and that ATT will charge him for the Bio-hazard team that we had to hire to clean up his chocolate rage.

Monkeychapps.com

Thank you for being here Mr. Obama.

Barack Obama

Its my pleasure.

Monkeychapps.com

Can I ask what made you want to get into politics?

Barack Obama

I think this country needs change

Monkeychapps.com

That’s understandable but could you be a bit more specific?

Barack Obama

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

Monkeychapps.com

What does that even mean?

Barack Obama

Yes. We. Can

Monkeychapps.com

You are not good with the words are you?

Barack Obama

Hope and change, and change and hope!

Monkeychapps.com

I think I’ll end the interview here seeing that I have taxed the limits of your lexicon, thank you and good day sir.

I said good day!